Tuesday, November 5, 2013

And Now What?

In college I felt competent. I have faced issues with insecurity & lack of self-esteem throughout my life. I have always identified as an outsider, one who struggles to belong or fit-in. I belonged in college. Growing up, if I went to college was never in question. I used to joke that I had Senioritis since Kindergarten, but I genuinely remember anticipating that time of life from the time I knew about the existence of College. There were moments, throughout my college years, where I would be walking to class and this feeling would wash over me “ This is my life, I’m in college, I made It”. It sounds corny but it always made me smile. I dreaded certain classes & at times was a master of procrastination but now I look back with such a feeling of nostalgia. Some might say that it is a bit ridiculous to be nostalgic for something that only ended a year and a half ago. But I am. When I posted a status on Facebook recently about missing college, someone commented saying I should go back. I immediately rolled my eyes when I read that comment. While it is a logical comment, it would not fix my predicament. Though I loved the classes and learning that I could get by going to Graduate School, what I am truly missing is that time of my life. A time that is finished. It is a lightning in a bottle experience that I am nostalgic for, It cannot be duplicated or re-experienced. It is over. I am particularly nostalgic for that time because I have not found the answer to What’s Next? I feel stagnant. I want to have an amazing life but I don’t know how. I have become a fearful person. I am scared to make mistakes. I am scared to live life and for it to plain suck. But what am I doing? Nothing. How stupid is that?! Very. But I don’t know where I belong now. I went through life going to school anticipating college and now it is over. I belonged in College. And it was great. And now what? 

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